Lately I've been feeling like I'm failing as a mother. I'm providing for you, supporting you in the best way possible, and loving you every single day. However, in the past six months we have been put through the wringer by a few people who lack any sense of integrity whatsoever.
For that, I am sorry. I am the one who brought them into your life and it is my job to protect you from people like that. I know that it is difficult learning that some people cannot be trusted at such an early age and I thank you for being merciful with me and not flipping out on me over this.
I love you.
I want you to learn from this that it is okay to draw boundaries and tell people no. I don't want you to learn that you shouldn't trust anybody. There are amazing people out there who will add to your life every single day. Don't allow the few assholes to get in the way of what is great.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Choices
I don't always make the best choices. Sometimes they downright stink. Others I look back on and think wow, what were you thinking?
Recently I made a choice. I knew better. I trusted someone I knew was lying to me. In an effort to stop her and send her to jail I made a gamble and I lost.
I'm sorry.
Recently I made a choice. I knew better. I trusted someone I knew was lying to me. In an effort to stop her and send her to jail I made a gamble and I lost.
I'm sorry.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Breastfeeding
Aunt Edie is about to have a baby any day now and we've had discussions about breastfeeding but I want to post some memories I have of breastfeeding you.
First, it was not easy. It downright SUCKED. It was horrible. We were not in sync and you were having such a hard time getting latched on properly and I wasn't holding you right at all. It was terrible. Painful. Every single time you cried I would pray you weren't hungry. If you were, I would start getting teary eyed and stressed out. The only way it would work was every once in awhile when I would lay down on the bed, we'd get it right. I remember thinking "Uh we can't lay down and nurse ALL the time".
I even called in reinforcements. I had my friend from La Leche League come to help show us how it was done. She agreed to come on Tuesday. That morning, I was sitting in a chair soaked in milk, you're screaming and I'm sobbing and we are a hot mess. My nipples are cracked and bleeding, and burning and you're red in the face and throwing a complete FIT. Adam came by then and said, "I don't want to butt in, but it looks like you're holding her too low so she has to stretch for the nipple." He reached down, popped your head up slightly and shifted your butt down and BINGO...you latched on and we were fixed! WOO HOO
By the time my La Leche League person showed up that afternoon we were pros. We could have taught a class on nursing. By that night you had decided this nursing thing was pretty darn cool and decided to nurse...nonstop. By the time you were a few months old, we could nurse standing on our heads if we wanted to...not that we wanted to...well maybe you did, but you weren't talking yet ;)
After we got the hang of it it was my favorite thing to do with you. You would stare up at me while you nursed and I felt like we were all there was in the world. It forced everything to stop. Couldn't do much while nursing and it made me stop, take a break, and marvel at the miracle that you were.
So here are some of my favorite nursing moments with you.
1. Teaching you not to bite. Fun. Not. You turned it into a game...because when your the one biting and not the one being bitten apparently this is hilarious. You would giggle knowing that I was going to cry out in pain. Evil. I learned to pull you into my breast so you would have to open your mouth to breathe. Then you figured out that I could theoretically kill you so that lost its fun.
2. Playing with your feet while you nursed. You hated it. It was hilarious...see above, lol. I would start tickling your feet and then you'd start swinging them trying to get away from me and I would keep at it and then you would start kicking and finally you'd pull off and give me that look that said "Do it again and the nipple gets it".
3. Dancing. I would dance while you nursed to some songs that came on and you would get the giggles and be hanging on for dear life while we swung and swayed and you'd be giggling leaking milk out of your mouth and trying to punch me to get me to stop. It got to where certain songs would come on and you'd start giggling knowing I was going to start dancing.
4. Night nursing. I slept with you and I'd wake up and you'd be nursing away. I loved that. That you were so independent at such a young age and that you knew what you wanted and how to get it. I wanted to foster that in you forever. Also it was kinda cool that I didn't have to wake up to nurse. You'd sock me in the stomach with your foot when you were ready to shuffle over to the other side. You were so used to nursing at will at night that you once latched onto your Grammy when you were in her bed. We got the biggest chuckle out of that!
5. How long we nursed. You nursed until two weeks shy of two years old. I wanted to nurse you forever but I got to the point I just couldn't do it anymore. My whole skin would cringe just thinking about it. It was time. I was ready. You were not. I think if I'd have known you'd be my last baby on breast, I would have let you take a little longer to wean. Weaning wasn't terrible, I left for a weekend and when I came back you were a sippy cup girl.
6. Nursing in public. We got really good, really fast at that! I could hike a shirt and hook you up in 5 seconds before anybody knew what was happening. Your body would cover my tummy and nobody was the wiser. Outside of two really old women at church who thought it was HORRIFYING that I would nurse like that, most people didn't even realize we were nursing. I remember nursing you at the mall once and three women came up and were playing with your hair and talking about how cute you were and were shocked to realize you were eating, lol.
7. Boobie Monster. This is what your dad and I started calling you. Nursing fixed EVERYTHING. If you fell, nursing made it better. Sore tooth? Nursing fixed it. Sore ear? Nursing worked. Take off in an airplane uncomfortable? Boobie fixed it! You loved nursing and would do it all day long if I would permit it. You knew how to ask without embarrassing me, you were discreet about it, but you were quite demanding. I remember many a car trip bent over a carseat with a boob out nursing you. Not the most comfortable position, but the what the boobie monster wanted, the boobie monster got!
8. Little pinches, caresses, and sighs. You would take your one hand and rub it over the top of my boob while you nursed, like a pattern and sometimes you'd kick your little foot a little too. Sometimes you'd pinch, pull my hair, but mostly you just rubbed my back and my boob while you nursed. If I was wearing a necklace you wouldn't even notice until you went to nurse and then you'd pull off and stare at my necklace. You'd sigh right before you latched on too, like "ah yes, there you are boobie" :)
Hope these memories help to encourage you to nurse your children. It makes some of the most special memories of your life :)
First, it was not easy. It downright SUCKED. It was horrible. We were not in sync and you were having such a hard time getting latched on properly and I wasn't holding you right at all. It was terrible. Painful. Every single time you cried I would pray you weren't hungry. If you were, I would start getting teary eyed and stressed out. The only way it would work was every once in awhile when I would lay down on the bed, we'd get it right. I remember thinking "Uh we can't lay down and nurse ALL the time".
I even called in reinforcements. I had my friend from La Leche League come to help show us how it was done. She agreed to come on Tuesday. That morning, I was sitting in a chair soaked in milk, you're screaming and I'm sobbing and we are a hot mess. My nipples are cracked and bleeding, and burning and you're red in the face and throwing a complete FIT. Adam came by then and said, "I don't want to butt in, but it looks like you're holding her too low so she has to stretch for the nipple." He reached down, popped your head up slightly and shifted your butt down and BINGO...you latched on and we were fixed! WOO HOO
By the time my La Leche League person showed up that afternoon we were pros. We could have taught a class on nursing. By that night you had decided this nursing thing was pretty darn cool and decided to nurse...nonstop. By the time you were a few months old, we could nurse standing on our heads if we wanted to...not that we wanted to...well maybe you did, but you weren't talking yet ;)
After we got the hang of it it was my favorite thing to do with you. You would stare up at me while you nursed and I felt like we were all there was in the world. It forced everything to stop. Couldn't do much while nursing and it made me stop, take a break, and marvel at the miracle that you were.
So here are some of my favorite nursing moments with you.
1. Teaching you not to bite. Fun. Not. You turned it into a game...because when your the one biting and not the one being bitten apparently this is hilarious. You would giggle knowing that I was going to cry out in pain. Evil. I learned to pull you into my breast so you would have to open your mouth to breathe. Then you figured out that I could theoretically kill you so that lost its fun.
2. Playing with your feet while you nursed. You hated it. It was hilarious...see above, lol. I would start tickling your feet and then you'd start swinging them trying to get away from me and I would keep at it and then you would start kicking and finally you'd pull off and give me that look that said "Do it again and the nipple gets it".
3. Dancing. I would dance while you nursed to some songs that came on and you would get the giggles and be hanging on for dear life while we swung and swayed and you'd be giggling leaking milk out of your mouth and trying to punch me to get me to stop. It got to where certain songs would come on and you'd start giggling knowing I was going to start dancing.
4. Night nursing. I slept with you and I'd wake up and you'd be nursing away. I loved that. That you were so independent at such a young age and that you knew what you wanted and how to get it. I wanted to foster that in you forever. Also it was kinda cool that I didn't have to wake up to nurse. You'd sock me in the stomach with your foot when you were ready to shuffle over to the other side. You were so used to nursing at will at night that you once latched onto your Grammy when you were in her bed. We got the biggest chuckle out of that!
5. How long we nursed. You nursed until two weeks shy of two years old. I wanted to nurse you forever but I got to the point I just couldn't do it anymore. My whole skin would cringe just thinking about it. It was time. I was ready. You were not. I think if I'd have known you'd be my last baby on breast, I would have let you take a little longer to wean. Weaning wasn't terrible, I left for a weekend and when I came back you were a sippy cup girl.
6. Nursing in public. We got really good, really fast at that! I could hike a shirt and hook you up in 5 seconds before anybody knew what was happening. Your body would cover my tummy and nobody was the wiser. Outside of two really old women at church who thought it was HORRIFYING that I would nurse like that, most people didn't even realize we were nursing. I remember nursing you at the mall once and three women came up and were playing with your hair and talking about how cute you were and were shocked to realize you were eating, lol.
7. Boobie Monster. This is what your dad and I started calling you. Nursing fixed EVERYTHING. If you fell, nursing made it better. Sore tooth? Nursing fixed it. Sore ear? Nursing worked. Take off in an airplane uncomfortable? Boobie fixed it! You loved nursing and would do it all day long if I would permit it. You knew how to ask without embarrassing me, you were discreet about it, but you were quite demanding. I remember many a car trip bent over a carseat with a boob out nursing you. Not the most comfortable position, but the what the boobie monster wanted, the boobie monster got!
8. Little pinches, caresses, and sighs. You would take your one hand and rub it over the top of my boob while you nursed, like a pattern and sometimes you'd kick your little foot a little too. Sometimes you'd pinch, pull my hair, but mostly you just rubbed my back and my boob while you nursed. If I was wearing a necklace you wouldn't even notice until you went to nurse and then you'd pull off and stare at my necklace. You'd sigh right before you latched on too, like "ah yes, there you are boobie" :)
Hope these memories help to encourage you to nurse your children. It makes some of the most special memories of your life :)
Monday, January 14, 2013
Feminism
Being a feminist is not easy. It isn't just about accepting your female body and enjoying being female. It is about constantly fighting against a society that does not value you because you have a vagina and breasts. This society will scrutinize you and make you feel fat, unattractive, and lacking. This society will mock you for standing up for your beliefs. You will be called baby, honey, sugar, sweetie, sexy and every other word that can be used to belittle you and act like you are not worthy of even having a name.
Men will discuss you, rate you, and pursue you. Whether you want them or not.
You will be treated inferior, less than, weaker.
Your hair will be the wrong length, the wrong color. You will not be permitted to age without makeup, creams, procedures, and lighting designed to make you look younger.
Your opinion will be discounted because you are "on the rag" or it is "that time of the month"
People will think that your body is their property to slap, prod, and squeeze whenever they want to.
If you don't accept the advances of another male, it will be because you are a dyke or a prude, not because he is disgusting.
But let me tell you what being a feminist will give you.
Pride
Power
Knowledge
A voice
A community
:)
Rage on, my darling daughter, rage on :)
Men will discuss you, rate you, and pursue you. Whether you want them or not.
You will be treated inferior, less than, weaker.
Your hair will be the wrong length, the wrong color. You will not be permitted to age without makeup, creams, procedures, and lighting designed to make you look younger.
Your opinion will be discounted because you are "on the rag" or it is "that time of the month"
People will think that your body is their property to slap, prod, and squeeze whenever they want to.
If you don't accept the advances of another male, it will be because you are a dyke or a prude, not because he is disgusting.
But let me tell you what being a feminist will give you.
Pride
Power
Knowledge
A voice
A community
:)
Rage on, my darling daughter, rage on :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Life is Hard
You stated something recently in a therapy session that has me thinking. You stated that you don't get to have a hard life because mine was so much worse than yours.
I want you to know, that isn't true. Your life is hard. You are young, growing, learning, and life's lessons are hard no matter where you learn them or how loving your home is.
I try very hard to make your life as easy as possible, but I want you to know and understand that life is hard. Just because some people have it harder than you do, doesn't make your life easy. It just makes their life harder.
Feel free to feel sad when sadness comes and mad when anger comes, I promise not to tell you that you don't have the right to feel what you feel.
I want you to know, that isn't true. Your life is hard. You are young, growing, learning, and life's lessons are hard no matter where you learn them or how loving your home is.
I try very hard to make your life as easy as possible, but I want you to know and understand that life is hard. Just because some people have it harder than you do, doesn't make your life easy. It just makes their life harder.
Feel free to feel sad when sadness comes and mad when anger comes, I promise not to tell you that you don't have the right to feel what you feel.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Christianity
As you know, I am a Christian. My faith is something I have tried hard to share with you but I don't know if you understand my faith or not.
I hope you are a Christian when you grow up. I would love to share that with you. I would love knowing that you believe what I believe. Not only because I think it is true, but because I want you to have the peace that I have from my faith.
If you don't, I promise not to get angry.
I hope you are a Christian when you grow up. I would love to share that with you. I would love knowing that you believe what I believe. Not only because I think it is true, but because I want you to have the peace that I have from my faith.
If you don't, I promise not to get angry.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Fun Memories
Some of my favorite memories of you as a baby:
When you were just a baby you were so sensitive to everyone around you. If you saw anyone crying, you would start crying, jutting your tiny lip out and your eyes would fill up with tears. You had the best little cry face.
When you were a toddler you climbed before you walked! Your daddy was so proud of this fact, lol. We have pictures of you climbing up a kitchen set you had and you aren't even a year old yet. You were a climbing monkey.
When you got angry as a little girl you would cross your arms and make a "HMPH!" sound. Very rarely did you ever throw a temper tantrum, just HMPH and move on.
We had to bribe you with Barbie to get you to potty train, LOL.
One time, you were about 2.5 yrs old, I bought my big King Size bed and you needed a footstool to get up on it. So you were walking around the bed and all we could see was this little hair bobbing up and down on the top of your head. Then you tripped over the dog bone and down you went. I almost peed myself laughing. I know it is terrible that I found it so funny but it was hilarious. one minute there was this bobbing thing and the next...gone.
When you were little you asked me where God lives. I told you in the sky, past the clouds and you replied "Oh I thought he lived in New Jersey!"
Your answer to EVERYTHING was "acudge...degone degone" Who knows what it meant.
When you were just a baby you were so sensitive to everyone around you. If you saw anyone crying, you would start crying, jutting your tiny lip out and your eyes would fill up with tears. You had the best little cry face.
When you were a toddler you climbed before you walked! Your daddy was so proud of this fact, lol. We have pictures of you climbing up a kitchen set you had and you aren't even a year old yet. You were a climbing monkey.
When you got angry as a little girl you would cross your arms and make a "HMPH!" sound. Very rarely did you ever throw a temper tantrum, just HMPH and move on.
We had to bribe you with Barbie to get you to potty train, LOL.
One time, you were about 2.5 yrs old, I bought my big King Size bed and you needed a footstool to get up on it. So you were walking around the bed and all we could see was this little hair bobbing up and down on the top of your head. Then you tripped over the dog bone and down you went. I almost peed myself laughing. I know it is terrible that I found it so funny but it was hilarious. one minute there was this bobbing thing and the next...gone.
When you were little you asked me where God lives. I told you in the sky, past the clouds and you replied "Oh I thought he lived in New Jersey!"
Your answer to EVERYTHING was "acudge...degone degone" Who knows what it meant.
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