2012

Well 2011 was really rough for all of us. For you, because you're 12 now and that is such a rough age. Also your dad moved in this year which I am sure was rough on you. Also, Grandpa Griffin died this year.

Thank you so much for your strength and patience as we dealt with problem upon problem this year. Your faith in me, Doug, and your father has been amazing.

Now it is a new year, and you will turn 13 this year.

Wow.

My baby girl, all grown up, turning into a teen. A teen! Can you believe it?

I am so excited for who you are and what you have become. At fest this year you were such an advocate, but not just an advocate, an articulate passionate well informed advocate. You believed in something and defended it aptly and appropriately without hate and negative speech, but with clear, concise arguments.

I was in awe watching you speak and watching you become your own person with your own viewpoints and opinions. The passion that you had when you were defending your rights and the festival that has become so important to you was inspiring. I am so proud of you and watching you come into your wonderful person is amazing to watch.

You've made some poor decisions, and for the life of me I cannot get you to see how important your self worth is to you. When you dress trashy or wear makeup too heavy people think you are cheap and easy, not that you are precious and to be cherished. I know you're growing up and trying out your own things, but it is difficult to watch you make decisions that affect your future and could cost you your life. Chatting with people you don't know, agreeing to strip on the internet, this stuff is risky stuff and stuff you're not ready to deal with the consequences with.

Another thing you struggle with is following the rules whether you agree with them or not. Audrial, this world is full of rules. From laws enforceable by police and court systems to expectations we place on ourselves and others. Navigating within those guidelines is important. Sure, there are times when violating the rules makes sense. However, violating a rule just because you don't agree with it is not acceptable. Hopefully you embrace this soon, because if you don't, you will experience so many more struggles and disappointments than you need to.

There is a time to be stubborn and a time to go along with things simply because it is easier. The important lesson is learning how to tell the difference.

Regardless you are an amazing daughter. I feel lucky every day to have you in my life. My hopes this year is that you continue to come into your own and continue to find your voice. You are beautiful and I am so proud of you.

Hard lessons

Ay mi vida....it is hard to watch you make mistakes and even more difficult to dole out the punishment that you need.

Perfection is not what I want from you, but I do expect behavior that is appropriate.

I know you're frustrated and I know that life sucks right now for all of us, but like I said, it is only temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary.

Please remember, long after what happened today is a distant memory and you are scratching your head as you read this trying to figure out what you did that caused this post....(ended up sent to the Principal's office three days in a row...just in case you actually did forget ;) ) EVERYTHING is temporary.

No matter the struggle, no matter how desperate your situation may seem or how miserable life is currently making you, it is all temporary. It will change, you might not be able to see it, but it will. Please don't do anything permanent because of a temporary problem...and in case you forgot.. EVERYTHING is temporary.

Moms bury their children all the time, and children bury their moms all the time because they lost sight of this...don't be one of those mi hijita. You have far too much to offer to give in to a temporary problem.

I love you. I am proud of you. I am here for you...even when I'm not. I know I work too much, I'm gone too much, I'm too busy, too exhausted, and too unavailable...but it is only temporary mi vida...this will pass and be a distant memory.

Te amo mi vida, te amo.

Responsibility

So today we had to decide to list your ferret on craigslist. You just aren't taking care of her and as much as I know you love her, she needs to be taken care of and requires a lot of time. After you settled down about it, I asked you why you weren't taking care of her and you said you couldn't remember to.

I suggested various ways you could remind yourself, you could set up various reminders to remember or you could ask an adult to remind you. There is no shame in not remembering, but you need to acknowledge this part of you in order to fix it.

Responsibility comes with age, comes with status, comes with education, etc. As you grow older, responsibilities will pile up and become more numerous. It will be up to you and you alone to decide how much or how little responsibility you're willing to have for things.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year mi hijita.

Well you're 11 years old now and well on your way to becoming quite the teenager. Right now you're crashed out on the couch after a weekend of fun with your friends. Sure there was drama but that's where the most important lessons are found.

I watch you liking this one boy and he doesn't like you back. I see your hope every time he shows up at the door and I see your heartache when he tells you all about the latest girl he's seeing. Yeah, he's 11 and so are you, but I basically want to pound his face in.

You are so valuable and I know you don't see it yet, I hope you see it eventually one day. Still, it is hard to see you hurting, hard to see you struggle.

Please learn the important things that drama brings. Learn how to treat and how to be treated. It really is true, people will treat you how you let them treat you. Stand up for yourself and do not apologize for how you feel...treat people with respect, but don't let them walk all over you.

Most of all, don't let anyone tell you who you are. Not even me :)

Growing up

Well

Today you got your period. While you were at your Dad's to boot.

All of these things kicked in for me when I got the news (Thank you for calling me first :) ). I am proud of you, for being so mature about it and taking it all in stride. I am worried for you, are you going to have the things you need at your Dad's house? Is he going to be sensitive to how new to all of this you are? Will you be embarrassed or scared? I am excited for you, making the transition to woman from girl is exciting and new and scary all wrapped up into one.

I pray you have the support you need, and know where to go to get it when you need it. This is a huge step for you, mi hija.

Hospitals are not fun

So my "week" in the hospital turned into three months. While I was having surgery for my gallbladder, I ended up with a blood clot. This caused all sorts of complications. During this time, you went to go live with your Grammy and Grandpop so that you didn't have to hang out in the hospital with me all the time.

 

It was so hard, being separated from you was terrible. I had spent my whole life without you and then I couldn't imagine a day without seeing your face, yet there I was, in a hospital bed alone, no baby to cuddle.

 

After I got out of the hospital it was hard to take care of you. I wanted to breastfeed again, and I was terrified of dying. My blood clot was in the "Safest spot to have one" but it was really hard to sleep and do things. You were getting bigger and they didn't want me lifting heavy things, so we had to improvise. I started wearing you in a sling to keep pressure off my arm. You loved it. We'd go everywhere and do everything in that sling.

 

By the time you were a year old, you were an expert at getting into the sling and you'd snuggle right in like you were born there. We started breastfeeding again and things were really fun.

 

I started back to work shortly before you turned one. I would work late nights and your daddy would work daytime so that someone was with you all of the time.

 

Around this time you started walking and climbing and talking up a storm. Your favorite things to do were to play in your excersaucer and go hiking with mommy and daddy.

 

Difficulty

I started feeling "off" in December. For no reason my back would ache, but I attributed it to changing hormones and new baby stress. You were sleeping through the night, and your dad was back at work, but for the most part, you weren't an interruption to our lives. You fit right into the routines and we spent hours playing with you and bathing you and enjoying being your parents.

Nursing was going well you were definitely growing and such a strong little girl. In January, I started to feel really sick. I told your Daddy that I thought you might need help throughout the day because I was probably going to be in bed sick. He left for work telling me to call him if I needed him to come home and I took you to bed with me to try to get some rest.

At 11am I took a shower and fed you, changed your diaper and moved out to the couch. My back hurt so bad I decided to go to bed again. I called your dad because you didn't want to go to sleep so you kept kicking the covers off and fussing. He said he'd be home in half an hour. I propped a bunch of pillows around you and headed to the bathroom.

I was drawing up a bath when I heard your Dad come in. He checked on you and then joined me in the bathroom. One look at my face and he said I needed to get to the doctor, but I insisted I would be fine. I got in the bath and tried to relax.

That's when the nausea hit. It was so bad I couldn't get out of the tub, then I was crawling on the bathroom floor begging your Dad not to leave. He called 911 and they sent an ambulance for me right away. He put you in your classic pooh snowsuit and followed me to the hospital.

I had really bad gallstones and had to have surgery to get rid of them. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to feed you, and the doctor delivered the news that I would be in the hospital for at least a week. I was in and out of sleeping and vomiting, so your dad decided it would be better to take you home for the night.